When I was four and a half years old my Dad came up at bedtime to tuck me in, he rarely tucked me in – that was Mom’s job. I thought I was in trouble, but Dad asked me if I wanted to ask Jesus into my heart. I already loved going to Church so l said “Yes”. My Dad said, “Just ask Jesus to come into your heart” – so I prayed – “Jesus come into my heart.” When I was done, Dad asked me what happened, I said, “I saw Jesus, He walked up to the door of my heart with His suitcases in His hands, He opened the door of my heart, threw His suitcases in, He stepped in, closed the door, locked the door and threw the key out the window”, and He’s been there ever since. I would like to say, “and I lived happily ever after”.
BUT a year later, my Mom had a nervous breakdown, she had to spend weeks in the Mayo Stress Unit and the State Hospital. After the shock treatments, she was never the same again. In many ways, I lost my Mom when I was about six, and so the pain begins – abandonment.
Not long after that, I was inappropriately touched by two relatives, another wound – sexual abuse.
Then in third grade, a friend showed me a crude picture of a man and woman being intimate – seed planted.
Fast forward to age 13, I’m looking in the Penney’s and Sears catalog for a 50′ electric race car set, and I found the underwear/lingerie section and the harvest from the seed planted earlier began – Sex Addiction.
The pornography and self-gratification became a multiple time a week addiction for the next 10 years. As the Apostle Paul said, “the thing that I want to do, I don’t do and the things I don’t want to do are the things I do”, and the result was shame, guilt and secrecy – after all no one else deals with this – right – I was the only one who was so horrible – right – no other Christian man can’t stop – right. One of the favorite tactics of the Devil set in – isolation.
When I got married, I thought, surely this problem will go away – wrong. Sure, it happened less often but I still medicated the pain in my life. When we divorced, the pain from my entire life seemed to multiply – abandonment, sexual abuse and isolation-all conveniently “fixed by pornography and self-gratification”. And now there was this new thing called the internet, so my medicine for my pain was at my fingertips.
For the next five years, my life was consumed by pornography and self-gratification, to the point that I didn’t feel worthy to occupy the space I was standing in. I showed up for church hoping for some relief.
My wife, Megan and I met at Cornerstone Church at a Saturday night service on December 12, 2015. My insanity, doing the same thing expecting a different result, convinced me that my addiction would go away when we married. What’s even worse is my Sex Addiction had met a new, even more sinister friend called Intimacy Anorexia. Our marriage would not be able to survive this attack.
Again, my struggle with sex addiction lessened, but after 3 years it came back. I had heard about a 10-week Men’s Battle Plan for Purity called The Conquer Series. I ordered it, not for the men who would be in the group, but for me. After finishing the Conquer Series the first time, I thought I was on the road of recovery, but just two weeks later, I relapsed, thankfully for the last time. I have been clean from pornography and self-gratification since May 25, 2019!
In July of 2019, I attended a Conquer Leadership Conference in Colorado Springs. My life was about to change! There I learned about the American Association for Sex Addiction Therapy (AASAT) training that was available to become a Recovery Coach for men, women, and couples in the areas of Sex Addiction, Intimacy Anorexia, and Partner Trauma. I am now a Nationally Certified Recovery Coach (NCRC)! I have completed my Master’s level training and six month certification supervision through the AASAT. I am Certified as a Sexual Recovery Coach (SRC), Intimacy Anorexia Coach (IAC), Partners Recovery Coach (PRC), and Partners Betrayal Trauma Coach (PBTC). I will influence the lives of thousands of men, women, and couples with thee Way and thee Truth that frees and heals them mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually! This is my pain to purpose testimony!